I’m just a baby in a pram,
Glad we don’t have traffic jams,
Got a bottle and a dummy,
The milk I drink goes round my tummy.

Mummy keeps on changing nappies,
Musn’t catch cold make it snappy,
Daddy’s always teasing me,
It isn’t fair to tickle my knees.

It is hard when you are little,
And can’t say what you want,
They say I’m going to be baptised,
(In a font!).

The vicar on my head puts water,
Does he do it to his little daughter,
You’d think I’d get some peace at night,
No it just gets worse I have a fright.

All my clothes come flying off,
Into a tub for a bath,
I’m wriggling and kicking and carrying on,
All they can do is laugh.

Then I’m put in night clothes,
A bottle shoved in my mouth,
The milk’s dripping down me chest,
It’s sticky and hot and I want to shout ouch.

Mum puts me down in the cot where I sleep,
Thinks I’m asleep but I’m having a peep,
They’re at it again, my Mum and Dad,
All sort of sloppy and kissing and such.

Well for this baby girl it’s much too much,
Fell off to sleep right through the night,
Got woken up it gave me a fright,
Time for breakfast my tiny doll.

Nappy changed I wanted to loll,
No chance of that here comes the bottle,
The hole must be bigger,
She’s stepped on the throttle.

Being a baby aint so bad,
How can I get my own back on Dad,
I know I’ll puke all over his shirt,
Then he wont be very glad.

Now what can I do to poor old Mum,
Nappy off I’ll pee all I can,
I’ve had fun today,
What’s the next plan.